Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows