Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know