My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father鈥檚 father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 馃槱
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Wife: an asteroid is on it鈥檚 way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Me: I鈥檝e been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You鈥檙e hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I鈥檓 filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.