Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.