Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
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I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.