I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening