Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
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Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.