Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
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It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I can’t be the only one 😂
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye