me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.