[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Bro what is this
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
his wife is probably gonna see that