@ericas_twit: Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What's the 25cents for?
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@HeyoShellz: My 4 year old refused his dinner but it's ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
@Just__J0: Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won't divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
@slimmy_shady: Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'. Long story short, I'm missing a kidney.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Her: You need to text faster Me: Not sure what you just sent. I'm still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago