Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
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My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real