MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
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So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Peace was never an option
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Finally, an explanation.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.