Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
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Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man