Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.