Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
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The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
🤣✨#caturday
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert