Dance like you’re not the father
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
🐕🍷
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?