Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.