When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
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Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Name this drama.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’m already scared
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum