Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”