Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine