Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what