Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
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Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If you know, you know
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.