me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Spotted in New Orleans.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
my dad has had enough