@Chicken_Hawk38: Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
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@jwoodham: Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
@girlontapas: I do things for others... Like when I'm drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
@1Happytwit: Kids don't scare me cause their little arms aren't strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
@LackOfShame: Server: Would you like another glass of wine? Me: I'm sorry, I don't have time Server: For the wine? Me: No, for silly questions