@Chicken_Hawk38: Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
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@TMZ: Reckless driving, pot allegations and cop visits, Justin Bieber is a bad wig away from being the next Amanda Bynes.
@GrantTanaka: [writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller] [teller writes something, slides it back] NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
@OtherDanOBrien: Dentist: You don't have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep! *I start flossing his teeth* D: Um... Me: These are mine now
@ThisOneSayz: My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.