Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
You Might Also Like
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
sir, my pâté if you please
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
presenting your incognito window wrapped
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.