just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing