@tigersgoroooar: just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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@DaHess1: Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30's sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.
@ibid78: When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren't evidence in a murder that life's trying to frame you for.
@KrunkedRobot: Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
@Shock_Monster: Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you. Me: WHY? YOU THINK I'M 8 OR SOMETHING? Her: No, sorry... Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.