just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it