Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.