Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority