Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣