@DeepDarkFear: Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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@ObscureGent: Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It's going to be a long night.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What does that cloud look like to you? 3-year-old: A cloud. Me: No, what do you imagine it could be? 3-year-old: Rain.
@radtoria: "Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?" You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it. "You're my penguin."