@DeepDarkFear: Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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@TheAlexP: Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell "Thank You "just to leave them hanging.
@CakeThrottle: My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He's like a tiny Republican senator.
@LeftOf_Normal: My therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate, and then burn them." Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.