Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?