@ElizaBayne: Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter. 3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
@vineyille: "First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO" - presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
@FaisalAdam_: Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, "GET LOST!" So I stared... Realising she wasn't saying more, I asked, "which season?"