There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Awesome parenting 😂