Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again