@ScottLinnen: Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.
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@danjan13: No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
@NikiWithIssues: Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he's really into phone calls.
@DBMaxP: Who said losing weight was difficult? "Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?"
@NotBachibawlz: I yelled at my wife "Your miniskirt is way too short!!" "Thats because its made for a woman" she replied "Now take it off & give it to me"