i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.