The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Finally! 😈
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.