Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
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Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Body by Oreos
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
R.I.P.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.