@funnybeachgirl: Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible... there was glitter everywhere.
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@daemonic3: [traffic court] Your honor, I'm here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I'm here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
@leechee420: I'm sorry sir, your wife didn't make it. Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook? Yes sir, I'm afraid it was.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
@jjhartinger: To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.