Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
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9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon