Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.