I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁