@CelebrityChez: Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
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@notalogin: [God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up] Ugh, first world problems.
@BradBroaddus: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
@TedOfficialPage: Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up