We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat