@CelebrityChez: Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
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@oxygenplug: "we're out of bread" "ciabatta be kidding!" [waiter takes out gun] "make another bread pun and ur toast, pal... shit" [i take out my gun]
@iwearaonesie: me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
@TrueTorontoGirl: I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
@mrtruthandsoul: The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you're the one that farted