Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
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Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets