I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You Might Also Like
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.