My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
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*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
welp
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
The answer is funnier than the question
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
me
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”