Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
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I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Name this drama.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.