Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
FINE, I WON’T.