@o__0Dev: Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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@Ivsy01: Ed Sheeran: Darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70... What girls hear: You're gonna dump me at 71.
@Sal0630: Me: I'm gonna make a salad Her: I think the lettuce went bad [opens fridge] [lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
@iamspacegirl: if squids were land animals sometimes you'd be walking along and you'd look up and BAM squid in a tree
@SamuelMoen: When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river