Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly