Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!