I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
She puts the hot in psychotic
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”