Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
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Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.