@JordyHamrick: Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.
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@DaddyJew: Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER 6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we're all out
@bromanconsul: people are like "pokemon is basically dogfighting" but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
@WhiskeyPotPie: If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.