Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today