Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.