Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Got him!
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.